I’ve come to the conclusion that there is no free will. We are not in control of our destiny nor are we even in control of what kind of music we like. We are genetically hardwired, culturally ingrained, influenced by our parents, siblings, teachers, and a host of others, especially in the crucial formative years while our frontal cortex is not yet fully formed. Hormones, gut bacteria, brain receptors for dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin and vasopressin, all influence who we are, and every choice we make. And we had no say in any of it.
Thus I find myself in a familiar setting, feeling familiar feelings, and thinking familiar thoughts. I have been here before, and it’s no wonder. It’s who I am. First, I blame myself, then I feel guilt and sometimes shame or embarrassment, I have regrets and then I withdraw. Somehow knowing none of this is my fault doesn’t make it any better. The only thing that does is time. It always has before, and I’m sure it always will again. So I wait, for what else can I do?
Someone at work today asked me why I chose a particular path through the facility, which crossed her path and required moving aside some of her items and I could only respond it was because I had no other choice. My brain had already decided. They countered that I could have gone this way or that, but I assured them I could not. There was one choice, I wasn’t in control of it, and looking at other options I could have taken in hindsight was flawed thinking, as in real time they were never options. If they had been, I would have taken one. But I didn’t. I made the only choice I could make. I’m not sure they were convinced, but I was.
Living in this illusion of freedom of choices and decisions is no longer an option for me. Once a thing has been seen, once the curtain has been pulled back, it can’t be unseen. There is no returning to the place I once resided in, and yet I harbor no ill will or resentment for taking the red pill. I want to know what’s true, not live in a fog of ignorance. In fact I find it liberating and intellectually freeing. There’s an explanation for all this going on in my head, and I didn’t bring any of it about. I am simply the narrator to the unfolding story of my life, which is following the laws of nature. My brain was kind enough to give me this veil of certainty that I was in charge, but now I’ve pierced said veil and see the machinery at work backstage. It explains so much and as I type these words, I crack a small smile. Oh brain, you are quite intriguing with your swirling about. I see you, I know what you’re up to and all I can say is Bravo! You needn’t worry about expending energy anymore on trickery with me. I’m in on the joke now. I won’t try to fight you, not that I’d stand a chance, but I will do my part to expose you to new things, new ideas, new concepts and help you to continue learning so you can make better choices for us both.
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